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Monthly Archives: April 2016

Relationship Advice

Stay connected by being a good listener

A good listener is somebody who hears more than the words being talked. He or she can get on the passionate hints and connotations in what is being said. Listening along these lines connects with the mind, the heart, and inquisitively, likewise the stomach, which alarms us to peril.

Good listener members are uncommon, however when we discover them we can’t get enough of them. Individuals who hear us out make us feel comprehended and esteemed and the positive sentiments we get about ourselves make us need to be with them. A lot of accentuation is put on talking, however in the event that you can figure out how to listen in a way that makes someone else feel heard and comprehended, they will esteem being with you. Great audience members are regularly viewed as “charming” on the grounds that we can’t get enough of them.

The capacity to listen is at the very heart of contention determination. Few individuals will hear us out unless we can hear them out first! Listening doesn’t oblige us to concur and it won’t alter your opinion however listening will help you discover normal perspectives that can fabricate agreement.

Invest quality time in face-to-face contact

We fall in love looking at one another and listening to one another and if we continue to look and listen in the same attentive and approving ways, we will sustain the falling in love experience. You probably have fond memories of when you were first dating your loved one. Everything may have seemed new and exciting, and you may have spent hours just chatting together or coming up with new, exciting things to try. However, as time goes by, children, demanding jobs, long commutes, different hobbies and other obligations can make it hard to find time together.

So much face-to-face communication has been replaced by digital screen communication. While that’s very good for some purposes, it does not positively impact the brain and nervous system in the same way as face-to-face communication. The emotional cues we and others need to feel loved can only be conveyed in person. Without this kind of investment in quality face-to-face time, communication and understanding start to erode.

Stay in touch emotionally

Emotional communication—awareness of what you’re experiencing emotionally and what your partner is experiencing emotionally—is a fundamental part of good communication and a healthy relationship.

When people stop understanding or having an interest in their own or their partner’s emotions, they stop relating well, especially at stressful times. There is no reason to fear emotions. They are just feeling messages that our brain sends to keep us alive and well. What we do with these messages is a choice. As long as you are connecting emotionally, as well as intellectually, you can empathize with your partner’s experience and work through whatever problem you’re facing.

Keep physical intimacy alive

Touch is a fundamental part of human existence. Studies on infants have shown the importance of regular, loving touching and holding on brain development. These benefits do not end in childhood. Life without physical contact with others is a lonely life, indeed.

  • Studies have shown that affectionate touch actually boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hormone that influences bonding and attachment. In a committed relationship between two adult partners, physical intercourse is often a cornerstone of the relationship. However, intercourse should not be the only method of physical intimacy in a relationship. Regular, affectionate touch—holding hands, hugging, or kissing—is equally important.
  • Be sensitive to what your partner likes. While touch is a key part of a healthy relationship, it’s important to take some time to find out what your partner really likes. Unwanted touching or inappropriate overtures can make the other person tense up and retreat—exactly what you don’t want.
Do things together that benefit others

One the most powerful ways of staying close and connected is to jointly focus on something you and your partner value that creates a common focus of interest outside of the relationship. A cause, a project, church or political work that has meaning for each of you and jointly engages your interest and effort can keep a relationship fresh and interesting. Doing things together that we view as beneficial to others is a process that our highly social human brain experiences as rewarding. It is also a way to stimulate the relationship by exposing it to new people and ideas.

Sometimes the interest that aligns us is a physical or adventure activity that we can have fun exploring together.  We renew interest in one another by jointly taking on new challenges and opportunities that give us fresh ways of interacting with and viewing each other.

About Love Relationships

Human adoration has a developmental reason. When we encounter feeling adored our mind and sensory system turn out to be more casual and productive and we feel more content and are more beneficial. Feeling cherished is nature’s antitoxin to stretch. There is no speedier or more powerful approach to supersede an excessive amount of anxiety and miracle than positive eye to eye correspondence with somebody that makes us feel comprehended, safe, and esteemed.

Beginning to look all starry eyed at is regularly an affair that appears to simply transpire yet protecting the “becoming hopelessly enamored” experience requires duty and exertion. Given its prizes, however, it’s certainly justified regardless of the exertion.

Here are some of things neuroscience has shown us about safeguarding the beginning to look all starry eyed at experience—maybe for a lifetime:

# Communicate what you feel as well as what you think. Emotional communication is the language of love. When we experience positive emotional cues we feel safe and happy, and when we send positive emotional cues to others, they feel the same.

Be willing to invest quality time, energy, and focus in your relationship. This may not be easy given the demands of work, career, parenting, and the need we all have for time to ourselves. Failure to invest in the ones we love results not only in the loss of pleasure but in lost opportunities for health and overall well-being.

Enriching the relationship with outside interests. No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. Bringing positive energy from family, friends, and outside interests into a relationship can stimulate and enrich it.

# Don’t be afraid of disagreement—see it as an opportunity to grow the relationship. Some couples talk quietly, while others raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key is not to be fearful of disagreement. Everyone needs to express things that bother them without fear of humiliation or retaliation. Couples who do this learn a great deal that helps them improve themselves and the relationship.

Signs That You Should Break Up

Nobody anticipates a separation: They are agonizing, and frequently realize a physical, mental, passionate and even otherworldly change inside yourself, which can be difficult to climate. In any case, once in a while breakups are essential — so how would you know whether you ought to say a final farewell to somebody? By what method would you be able to know completely that this is the ideal opportunity to leave, and there are no different choices?

# You’re Not Connected

“It’s important to feel connected to your partner and there will come times that you don’t,” Danielle Sepulveres, sex educator and author of Losing It: The Semi-Scandalous Story of an Ex-Virgin, tells Bustle. “Be it job stress or lack of communication, but if your significant other isn’t understanding that you’re feeling a distance between the two of you or willing to discuss it, then it’s time to think about moving on.”

Of course ebbs and flows will happen, but if the ebb has been present for far too long, you may want to seriously consider leaving. “Someone who isn’t taking an interest in your feelings or refusing to address issues is a person who will continue to behave that way,” she says. Be real with yourself and see things for what they are — not what you wish they might be someday.

# Your Partner Retaliates Against You

“Any time you feel that you are blatantly and repeatedly disrespected by a partner, or if physical violence is involved in any way, it’s time to consider ending the relationship,” marriage counselor Jessica Wade tells Bustle. “If retaliation — silent treatment, withholding sex, name calling, physical aggression — is present in your relationship, despite attempts to change the pattern, you should see this as a sign that disrespect will turn toward mistreatment regularly, and ask yourself, ‘Do I deserve to be treated this way?'” Clearly, the answer is a resounding “no” — and if this is happening, seek help and leave ASAP.

# You’re Afraid Of Leaving

“Always break up with someone if you don’t feel like yourself when you are with them,” life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. Other reasons to leave: “Your gut says you don’t love them,” Rogers says, “or you know you don’t want to be with them anymore, but feel like you’re a bad person if you leave.”

All three are huge red flags — if you’re not yourself when you’re with your partner, you patently can’t go on together. Same if your gut tells you that you don’t love them — and above all, you can never stay with someone just because you’re afraid of hurting them if you leave. “Humans are resilient, people bounce back,” Rogers reminds.

# There Is Abuse Of Any Kind

“If you are even thinking this question, I would say that is red flag number one,” Marina Sbrochi, IPPY award-winning author of Stop Looking for a Husband: Find the Love of Your Lifetells Bustle. “Regarding flag number two — even though this is always a number one — if there is any abuse going on,” you absolutely have to exit the relationship. This includes all types of abuse, of course: physical, emotional, financial, Sbrochi adds.

# Your Gut Is Telling You To Leave

“Listen to your inner voice,” Boston-based clinical psychologist Bobbi Wegner tells Bustle. “What is your first thought when you ask yourself if you should stay with someone?” The gut is important here — if you keep asking yourself (and your friends, and your coworkers, and your shrink, and anyone who will listen) if you should leave, you should.

“Also ask — how happy are you in the relationship [on a spectrum of one to 100],” Wegner says. “If the number is the number is less than 70, there is a good chance that this is not someone to stay with.”

# You Have The Same Arguments Over And Over

“You should break up with someone if you continue to have the same couples’ conflicts and arguments repeatedly and your partner refuses to support satisfying your needs,” Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills child, parenting, and relationship psychotherapist tells Bustle. “A healthy working relationship requires two willing participates who want to please each other’s wants and needs.” If you don’t have that, you don’t have anything.

# Your Partner Doesn’t Really Want To Be In The Relationship

“Your partner is not reliable, doesn’t show up, doesn’t keep promises,” Tina B. Tessina, aka Dr. Romance, psychotherapist and author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together, tells Bustle. “Your partner won’t work with you to solve problems or get things done [or] has too many emotional outbursts, throws hissy fits or temper tantrums when something goes wrong.” In other words, you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t really want to be in the relationship. Not OK.

# You Don’t Recognize Yourself

“If you find yourself unrecognizable to yourself and loved ones, it may be a sign you should break up with your partner,” psychologist and breakup coach Joy Harden Bradford tells Bustle. “We all change in some ways in relationships, but the changes shouldn’t be so drastic that there is little to no trace of the person you were before you got into this relationship.” If that happens, you have to get out.

“You should ask yourself, ‘Have I changed in ways that have enhanced my life, or changed to make it more likely this person will love me?'” she says. If it’s the latter, you have your answer. “The answer should help you make a decision,” she adds.

# You’ve Lost Hope

“It’s time to break up when you’ve lost all hope and you’re planning an escape,” Gestalt life coach Nina Rubin tells Bustle. “When you feel badly about yourself and start wanting to make lots of changes to yourself all at once,” you know it’s time to go, she says.

Support yourself and make that change. Under all of these circumstances, deuces: “When you feel like your eyes have lost their sparkle and your heart feels dull, you’re upset or indifferent most of the time, rather than joyful to see or spend time together, [or] you’ve expressed your needs and they’ve still gone unmet,” says Rubin.

# You Can’t Forgive A Betrayal

“If someone you are dating or involved in a long-term relationship with has betrayed you in a way that you cannot get past — cheating, lying, addiction — then it is time to end the relationship for your own emotional health,” executive editor and founder of Cupid’s Pulse Lori Bizzoco tells Bustle. “Remember, ending a relationship with someone is a personal decision and only you know what is healthy or unhealthy for you.” Above all, don’t stay with someone if you know you’ll hold this betrayal over their head — and your own — forever.

“The bottom line is if you aren’t feeling good inside, or not able to trust or be yourself with your partner, then you should rethink having a relationship with them,” Bizzoco says. Without trust, you have nothing in a relationship.

# The Negatives Outweigh The Positives

“You should break up with someone when the negatives have seriously started to outweigh the positives,” psychologist Nicole Martinez, who is the author of eight books, including The Reality of Relationships, tells Bustle. “When the person makes you feel bad about yourself, and cuts you down [or] when the person you are with uses power and control to try and keep you in the relationship with them, and when the positive communication skills between the two of you are nonexistent,[it’s time to breakup],” Martinez says. “Some relationships just do not work out, and you have to be honest with yourself when things have crossed the point of no return.”

And that is totally OK — just be gentle with yourself and your partner. “A breakup should only happen after you have tried everything you can think of to fix things, if the person has ever been physical, or you have lost romantic feelings for your partner and do not see any way to get them back.” At that point, it’s time to release the relationship into the universe with love.

# You Discover Deal-Breakers

“Before you ever started to date, I hope you made a list of what you wanted in a partner,” Dawn Maslar, aka “the Love Biologist,” tells Bustle. “Even more importantly, I hope you make a list of deal-breakers.” And if your mate doesn’t measure up to what you really want in a true partner — or if they exhibit one or more deal-breakers — you can’t continue on together.

“For example, drug use may be your deal-breaker,” Maslar says. “Of course, this may not show up right away. But as soon as it does, don’t compromise or try to change them.” Accept that you’ve hit a deal-breaker in the road, and be prepared to leave. “Be true to yourself and find someone better suited for you,” she says.

# Your Problems Aren’t Solvable

“There is no clear black and white answer unless there is abuse, in which ‘leave’ is the correct answer,” zen psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michele Paiva tells Bustle. As long as there’s no abuse, it’s wise “to weigh quite a few factors,” she says. “Are you simply being self-protecting and you might be afraid of being loved?” If this is the case, open your heart and see what happens.

More questions Paiva suggests you ask yourself: “Is what you feel boredom — or comfort? Are you jealous by nature — or are they simply triggering you?” It’s possible that what you think is boredom is actually a nice sense of stability, but perhaps you’re not used to it yet. And it’s also possible that feelings of jealousy are your own issue, and have nothing to do with a partner with a wandering eye. But it’s also entirely possible that such issues are real, and if they are, be honest with yourself and your partner. “Weigh options and triggers to best address the situation,” Paiva advises.