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Monthly Archives: July 2016

Know the Reasons why You Back to Your Ex

On the off chance that you’ve ever experienced an awful separation, there’s a chance that one unique individual continues pulling at your heartstrings. It can feel difficult to release them. There’s no firm lead about whether dating an ex is a terrible thought — now and then, the second (or third, or fourth) endeavor at a relationship works, while different times, it detonates and abandons you more hurt than any time in recent memory. Be that as it may, in case you’re thinking about reviving your former relationship, consider why you need to do as such to start with, and look at these logical purposes behind why it’s so difficult to get over your ex.

# You broke up… but didn’t stop hooking up. More than half of yo-yo daters continue getting physical with their ex, found a 2012 study from the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee and Bowling Green State University. Even if your intention is just to hook up without getting emotionally involved again, keeping the two separate is harder than you might expect. Hooking up releases a chemical in your brain called oxytocin that makes you more likely to feel attached again. And even if you are able to hook up as just friends, your ex might not be able to manage the sitch the same way.

# Your age. Your brain continues to grow and develop up until you turn 25. “Because the frontal lobe is not fully formed, teenagers tend to have less control over their impulses,” relationship counselor Dr. Judith Wright says. Which means you’re more likely to end a relationship in the heat of the moment after your S.O. does something to upset you. Since you might not have fully thought through the breakup, you might end up regretting your decision later, after you’ve had time to cool off. That’s why it’s always a good idea to take a little time after getting in a fight to cool off  and think things through before making any major decisions.

# You haven’t really dealt with your feelings about the breakup. You might assume that dwelling on a past relationship isn’t healthy, but a 2015 study from Northwestern University found that reflecting on a breakup can actually help you develop a stronger sense of who you are as a single person and help you feel less lonely. So if you’re tempted to get back together with your ex even though you know it’s not a good idea, this trick could help your brain and your heart get on the same page.

# You’re addicted to the drama. There’s a reason so many TV couples keep breaking up and getting back together again — all those plot twists are addictive and keep you tuning in. “The actual drama of breaking up and getting back together can become addictive,” Dr. Wright says. “It gives people a perceived sense of excitement and adventure that they don’t know how to infuse into an ongoing relationship, so they keep repeating the pattern over and over again.” If you really want to make the relationship work, learn to inject excitement into your relationship in healthier ways — like by planning cool dates (amusement parks, road trips, picnics, etc.) instead of picking fights.

# Circumstances have changed. Maybe you broke up because you were going to different colleges, or one of you was leaving for a semester abroad. There might not necessarily have been bad feelings between you two — it’s just that your relationship hit an obstacle. Luckily, you might find yourselves back together again, like when you’re both home again from school for the summer or back from study abroad. “When a couple breaks up because of external factors, or things they couldn’t control themselves, it’s easier to get back together when these circumstances have changed,” says Kali Rogers, a life coach at Blush Online Life Coaching. If you’ve conquered whatever road block you two were facing before, it’s understandable why you might be tempted to give your relationship a second chance.

# You’re afraid of being alone. “Unfortunately, fear is a powerful motivator for people getting back together with exes,” Rogers says. In this situation, you might not be returning to your ex because you have strong feelings for them, but rather because the prospect of being single or dating again feels too daunting to face at the moment. “Breaking up with an ex in order for the opportunity to meet somebody new ALSO requires a period of loneliness, and sometimes that is too much to handle for somebody who hasn’t developed a healthy self complex.”  Remember, being single doesn’t mean you have to spend 24/7 locked in your bedroom by yourself — it’s an opportunity to hang out with your besties all the time, reconnect with friends you didn’t see as much of when you were in a relationship, and spend quality time with your fam, not to mention focus on other stuff you’re interested, like your vlog or lacrosse. Just because you don’t have an S.O. doesn’t mean you’re bound to be lonely. Look at celebs like Selena Gomez and Kendall Jenner who are all about living the single life!

# You hate change. A 2016 study from two psychologists at Stanford University found that there are two types of people: the first type believes their personality (the social butterfly, the athletic one, the introvert, and so on) is set at birth, while the second type believes their personality changes over their lifetime based on their experiences. According to the study, if you have the first personality, you have a harder time dealing with breakups, since you tend to feel like your ex isn’t just rejecting the relationship — they’re also rejecting you. In reality, you’re awesome and there’s nothing (let’s repeat: nothing!) wrong with you. Just because you and your ex aren’t right together, doesn’t mean that there’s anything lacking in you. It just means you weren’t compatible, and there’s a better match for you out there. So if your ex warms back up to you again, take a moment before sliding back into the relationship to consider how you’re really feeling. Do you want to get back together… or do you just want their love and approval back?

# You’re afraid you can’t or won’t find anyone better. “Young love can be passionate, and if it’s first love, even more so,” Gandhi says. “We often think that we will never find love like this again, and stay with something that just isn’t working out of fear.” It’s scary to end a relationship that’s so intense and special — the kind that maybe even feels like once-in-a-lifetime love — even if you know the relationship isn’t right for you in the long-run. But if you’ve found that kind of important love once, you can find it again. There’s going to be something even better in store for you next.

# You assume that your ex has grown and changed since the breakup. A 2013 study from Kansas State University discovered that couples who break up and get back together tend to assume their exes have changed for the better in their time spent apart. Spoiler alert: not all of the exes really did. Before you get back together, hash out all the issues that plagued your relationship the first time around to see if you two really have a chance of making round two stick.

# You’re still connected on social media. “With Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram, it’s virtually impossible to ignore your ex (unless you deliberately and permanently delete them),” Bela Gandhi, relationship expert and founder of Smart Dating Academy, says. It’s tough to move on if your ex is just a few taps away on your phone. “If we don’t delete them, they can be a constant reminder,” she says. “Seeing a photo of them or hearing their voice in a video can trigger a little release of oxytocin, the attachment hormone.” That burst of oxytocin, makes it that much harder to let go of  your ex.  So if you’re committed to moving on, consider unfollowing them for a while.

Be Aware, Dont be Angry

Don’t be angry, be aware WATCH someone who gets angry very quickly. The more he gets angry, the more he seems addicted to being angry. Getting angry does not resolve problems. Biologists tell us that repeated behavior actually rewires the brain. Neural networks get established with repeated behavior pattern. What this means is that anger breeds anger. The emotions not only rewire your brain, but they also rewire your body. In their efforts to accommodate these repeated and debilitating emotions, the cells lose the capacity to absorb nutrients. They grow less and they rejuvenate less. These changes affect you and more importantly affect your progeny as well, as your entire cellular and DNA structure can be changed by your behavior. Biology tells us that your emotions are chemicals, and these chemicals are released by the brain. We control these chemicals. However, over time, these chemicals can change you and control you. Watch yourself getting angry the next time. What are you angry at? Are you angry at someone or are you angry about something? If you say that you are angry at some thing, at some behavior, watch yourself as someone else repeats that behavior. Do you get equally angry? Do you allow some people to get away with such behavior, or even humour such behavior in some people that would make you blow up at another person? Therefore, are you angry with a person because you have made up your mind to be angry with that person? You will find that 90% of the time you are angry at a person and not a behavior pattern or an issue. If you are angry with an issue you can learn to use that anger as energy and do something with that energy. If it is behavior, you can learn to laugh at it. However, if it is a person, you have a deeper problem. You have already made a judgement about that person and all that you do is to collect evidence to support your judgment. Nothing that person does can be right for you. With awareness you can drop these judgments. Awareness makes you realize the truth that you and another person and every other person are the same at a deep level. If you are getting angry with someone, you are in fact getting angry with yourself. It is your negativities that make you see others negatively. It is possible to drop these negativities via meditation. Don’t get angry, become aware.

Break Up without Breaking Her / His Heart Tips

break-upIf you’re dating long-distance

You and bae had the best time together when you were living five minutes away from each other. But now that you’re miles apart, life is totally different. You know it’s probably time to end things, but ripping off the Band-Aid is just so logistically tough. How do you sit down for a major conversation when you’re not even physically in the same place?

Choose your timing carefully. If you’re high school sweethearts doing the long-distance thing in college, you might want to wait till you’re both back in your hometown to break the bad news. Dumping someone on Thanksgiving isn’t fun, but neither is dumping your first love while FaceTiming .

 If you won’t have the chance to get together in-person for awhile, do it over the phone or video chat. Your s.o. will probably understand, especially if you won’t see each other for months and you’re dealing with hefty plane tickets. Video chat provides more of an emotional connection — at least that way, you can see each other’s faces when you dive into a difficult subject. But a phone call works to and feels more considerate than an email.

Acknowledge that distance might have played a factor in your decision to break up. If dating is like acting in your school play, long-distance is like performing on Broadway. It’s way more intense. No one would blame you for struggling to keep a long-distance relationship alive. Acknowledge that circumstances might have turned out differently if you weren’t long-distance, and that’s OK.

If you’ve been dating for awhile

You two have so many amazing memories together — birthdays, Valentine’s Day, maybe even prom. You might have even been in love. Breaking up may feel awful at first, even if you’re the one doing the dumping, but you know it’s the right choice for both of you in the long run. Here’s how to pull the plug:

Have the conversation in-person. After all the time you spent together, you’d be heartbroken if you got dumped over text. (Remember when everyone thought Zayn broke up with Perrie over text? Not cool.) Give your S.O. the same courtesy you’d want to receive and let them have closure with an in-person conversation. If you can avoid breaking up on a special occasion — like on a holiday, birthday, or right before their big test or championship game — that’s the kindest, most considerate option.

Arrange a private time to talk. Emphasis on private. The best place to talk is one of your houses, preferably in a spot where your little brother won’t interrupt. If transportation is an issue (maybe you don’t drive), work out a plan with a friend, parent, or older sibling that allows you to make a smooth exit — like asking your BFF who has her license to drop you off at bae’s house, then wait outside till you’re ready to be driven home.

Imagine the conversation before you have it. Think through your talking points beforehand so you’re fully prepared for what can be a difficult conversation. Do you feel like you’re growing apart? Are you upset about a particular incident? Or is the pressure of a relationship getting to be too much? The more clearly you can organize your thoughts before you talk, the easier the conversation will be. You’ll be able to express yourself clearly, and hopefully bae will be able to accept your feelings. 

Prepare for their reaction. They might get upset or ask you for a second chance at the relationship. If either of those things happen, how will you handle it? Are you willing to give the relationship another try? There’s no right or wrong answer here — it all comes down to how you really feel inside. Just a word of warning: If bae promises they’ll act better or differently in the future, don’t let yourself get talked into something you don’t want just to spare their feelings. Dragging it out longer when ultimately you know it’s not the right relationship for you will end up making it even worse when you finally do end things.

If you started dating recently

Your relationship is official in all senses of the word: you had the talk and dtr’d; you’re Facebook official; you’re always in each other’s Snap stories; you even posted an adorable Instagram of the two of you. But a few weeks, or months, down the road, there’s a gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach that’s keeping you up at night. You don’t have fun together the way you used to, or maybe your feelings are heading more in the friend zone, or you’re totally  crushing on someone else.  How do you break up?

 Don’t try to force the other person to break up with you. Rather than instigating the breakup and being the “bad guy”, your first instinct might be to pick a fight or act out in an insensitive way, forcing the other person to dump you instead of the other way around. Don’t. The stress of fighting with bae and waiting for the inevitable breakup will make you feel worse in the long-run. Plus, it’s usually pretty obvious to the other person.  Treat it like ripping off a Band-Aid and just get it over with.

Don’t do it over text. Sure, it might be tempting to just send a text or email, and avoid the awks of the other person potentially crying or getting upset in front of you. But as anyone who has ever been dumped via text knows, it’s seriously not cool. Breaking up in person is the most respectful way to the end the relationship. But if you’ve really only been dating for a few weeks (and, uh-oh, you just realized you made a huge mistake by making it Facebook official) and you guys hardly hang out in person anyway, a thoughtful phone call might be OK.

Find one clear-cut reason the relationship isn’t working out. If you’ve only been dating for a short while, you don’t need to go into a huge saga about what everything that went wrong. Be short and sweet: “I really liked hanging out with you, but I think we’re better off as friends,” or, “It hurt my feelings that you didn’t come to see my leading role in the school play. This is working anymore.”

Avoid talking about it with everyone afterward. If you tell everyone that your relationship was literally the worst thing since Zayn leaving One Direction, the gossip will eventually get back to your former bae. Breaking off a relationship doesn’t have to be a huge deal, but ruining their rep is. Think how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Keep in mind: Even if things didn’t work out with you guys romantically, you may end up wanting to be friends at some point.

If you’re hanging out but not yet official. Maybe you  finally worked up the courage to invite the cutie on your cross country team out for a post-practice Starbucks date, and the conversation was so awkward. Or maybe you’ve been Snapchatting with your crush for weeks, but when you started hanging out irl, there was no spark.  You don’t have any romantic feelings toward them anymore, so how do you shut the situation down and move on?  Ok, so you know ghosting them would be super uncool, but it’s not like you were officially dating or anything, so you don’t want to make a big deal out of ending things either.

 If you’ve only hung out a couple times, you don’t need to formally break up. If the “relationship” only involved a couple hang-outs and a few cutesy Snapchats or some flirty texting, there’s no need to stress over crafting the perfect breakup speech. You can probably just let this one fizzle out naturally. Chances are good that if you didn’t feel a spark, neither did the other person.

Don’t ghost — drop hints. Fading out on someone by not responding to their texts and dodging them in the halls might seem like the simplest way out of a relationship, but having it done to you seriously sucks. Plus, if you ghost someone and then run into them at CVS or randomly bump into them in the hall, it’ll be painfully awkward for both of you. Instead of ghosting them, try dropping hints. If they invite you to a party, you can say, “Thanks, but I’m going with my friends. I’ll see you there.” Or the next time they chat you up in the halls, you can refer to them as a “friend” to let them know your true feelings.

If they don’t get the message, be frank with them. If they continue to ask you out after you’ve tried to express your lack of feelings, you need to tell them straight-up that you’re not interested: “Hey, I had a lot of fun hanging out with you, but I see you as a friend and don’t want to lead you on if you’re interested in something more.” Sometimes, honesty is exactly what the other person needs in order to move on.

Be your regular kind, polite self. The first time you see your not-bae after ending things, offer a friendly smile and wave. If you’re feeling brave, strike up a low-key but purely friendly conversation — like “How was your weekend?” or “What did you think of last night’s math homework?”

Gain Your Relationship Tips

# Don’t chisel your partner: If your partner isn’t exactly the size, shape and personality that you were looking for, welcome the novelty! Trying to chisel and sculpt the other person into your ‘ideal other’ is not only psychological violence against them, but pure disrespect of the living, dynamic energy which they are.

# If your partner, child or friend is upset and sharing their feelings with you, just LISTEN. 90% of the time, chances are they only looking for some understanding and emotional support from you, NOT your solutions for their problems.

# Don’t equate possessiveness with love. The jealous lover has been unnecessarily glamorized in popular literature and cinema. Possessiveness is nothing but a subtle way of controlling the other and treating him/her as your personal property. Such an attitude is bound to take a toll on your relationship in the long run.

# A rose-plant never worries about why it is not a banyan tree, and vice-versa! There is enough space in the world for all kinds of people to live and flourish. You are unique, so why compare? Express your uniqueness, enjoy the unique expressions of others (no matter how different from yours), and watch your relationships flower!

# No matter how difficult to believe, your kids are separate individuals with brains, not just extensions of you!! The best parent is one who assures his/her child of conditional love and support, and then gets out of the way unless necessary. Your kids will not only grow up to be beautiful individuals, but will thank you for this all their lives.

Know If Your Crush is Player

# When you try to DTR, he claims he doesn’t like labels. Usually, if a guy doesn’t want to put a label on your relationship, it’s so they can get away with hanging out with other girls. And then when you inevitably find out about it, he’ll tell you that it’s not cheating and that you can’t get mad, because you’re not technically his GF.

# He’s on his phone 24/7 when you’re together but then he takes forever to text you back. Taking a break from your phone can be good, so don’t freak if he takes a while to respond sometimes. But if it’s a regular occurrence, he might be spending his time with someone else. Time to bounce.

# He was voted “biggest flirt” in the yearbook. Instead of winning “most likely to become president,” his yearbook superlative, “biggest flirt” is basically a nice way of saying “biggest player”.  That’s not even a sign. It’s an official award.

# He has a profile on Tinder. He claims he NEVER uses it. Meanwhile, you promptly deleted yours once you started cuddling bae on the reg.

# He wants to keep your relationship a secret. If he doesn’t want you to tell people that you guys are a thing and refuses to go out with you in public, it’s probably because he doesn’t want the other girls he’s flirting with to find out about you.

# You’ve heard rumors that he’s “talking” to other girls. Why would a random girl from your bio class make up a rumor that bae has been hanging out with her friend Kate? She wouldn’t. So it’s probably true.

# He never likes your pics on Insta. Instead, he’ll text you right after you post to tell you that you “look hot” in your selfie. Because if it didn’t happen on social media, it didn’t happen at all.

# He turns his phone away from you when he texts. You never even try to look at his texts, but he’s still overly protective of his phone. It probably means there’s something in there he doesn’t want you to see.

# Most of his likes on Twitter are from girls you don’t know. And the girls you do know are ones you’ve never seen him talk to IRL. So why are they all liking a vague tweet about soccer practice? #shady

Signs That Someone Like You

Possibly you’ve had your suspicions for a short time, or perhaps it JUST hit you that your fellowship isn’t simply agreeable — yet when you understand that your companion really likes you, everything changes. This could be the minute everything gets to be ungainly, or it could be the minute both of you transform into the best couple ever.

# They do lots of favors for you. Like driving you home even if you live way on the other side of town and paying for your frapp at Starbucks when your wallet is way down deep in your backpack and taking forever to dig it out. Wait a second. They paid for your coffee. While hanging out one-on-one. Was that a… date?!

# One time, they jokingly brought up that you two should go to prom someday.They were like, “If neither of us have dates, wouldn’t it be, like, kind of fun to pose for dorky prom pics and ride in the limo together and be each other’s dates as, like, friends?” Spoiler alert: It was not a joke. They were watching you intently to gauge your reaction.

# They either respond to you right away OR really spaced out. If they think of you as just a friend, they respond at a normal pace. But if they have ~feelings~ for you, they either eagerly dash off a response and hit “send” 0.000001 seconds after you send your text, or they wait a calculated six hours and 39 minutes just to be like, “k” (as if that proves how chill they can be around you).

 # They send you more texts and snaps than you send them. And usually, they’re the one to initiate the conversation.

# They’re always asking if you like anyone. This usually comes during late-night convos on Snapchat. Never IRL.

# But they insist they don’t have a crush on anyone right now. Because they only have heart-eyes for you.

# They never approve of the person you have a crush on or the person you’re dating. They even make little dagger eyes when you bring up their name. They insist that no one is good enough for you — when really what they mean is that they are the only one who’s good enough for you. Shawn Mendes’s new single “Treat You Better” is literally their life.

# They invite you to hang out one-on-one outside of school. If your friendship has always revolved around hanging out in a group, and they suddenly invite you to come over on a Saturday afternoon, ding ding ding ding ding! That is called Feelings with a capital F. Group hang-outs mean they have to compete with other friends for your attention — if they want to spend the day with just you and only you, it means they want to soak up your awesomeness all by themselves.

# Every once in awhile, they randomly give you the most intense compliment. You normally just talk about that one band you’re both obsessed with, but one day, they’re like, “Whoa, your hair smells amazing.” And then they never mention it again.

# They find lots of little excuses to touch you. When you make a funny joke, they punch you lightly on the arm. When they see you for the first time after a school vacation, they hug you super tight. Sure, they might just be a touchy-feely kind of person… or they might have a really good reason for wanting to be close to you.

# They ask to take a photo together. Is this a surefire sign they’re in love with you? No, of course not. People take photos with lots of people. But if they throw their arm around you and later post it on Insta, that’s a sign they really care about you — and maybe as more than a friend.